Wow, I haven't seen this xanga thing in about a year. Reading my old entries filles me with a sense of how different I really am- I am older. I am not that same girl  from 4 years ago that first started writing in this xanga. I am not even the same girl from a year ago. Of course it is to be expected that you will not stay the same after experiencing new things and meeting new obstacles that come with living life. But what a sad and surprising discovery. After reading my joyful xanga entries about how much I loved life and the summer rain I can't imagine that kind happiness or simplicity. I'm not that same carefree girl. It's true, I am still young and very untested in the ways of the real world, but something about me is very different now. It's as if something died in me after freshman year of college.

I ran into a friend last week that I had drama class with last year and after we had talked for a few moment he said, "Wow...you're really not that same as last year. Last year you almost scared me with how happy you were...you could barely contain your laughter..." I guess going to a competitive college like UNC has really beaten the joy out of me?

It's not as if I can't laugh anymore or smile easily. I am still the same in that regard. Maybe I have finally matured? I don't burst out in laughter at every moment, but I'm more controlled. I am not sure if I like this change in me or not. Sure it's more exceptable in polite society-but it's certainly not as fun....

I really don't know what the point of this entry is. I guess to just simply point out the fact that I'm getting older and serious- a little bit less of the uncontrolled laughter. I never realized just how different I was until I read my blogs from early high school. And because of this change I feel a great deal of regret about how I lived my high school life. I wish I had been a bit more insane...my happiness was always curbed by my anxiety about the future. My incessant worries were about grades-I never realized how foolish it would seem to me now. I can't believe that I made it my life in my teen years. I didn't even bother to take in everything else around me. My relationships with people really suffered back then. And I've just realized that this has carried over into my college life. I still am so focused on academia and success that I've ignored a lot of important things...

I kinda want a re-do.

bleh...I don't know.

-Adeline

P.S. There was a tiny rainshower outside my window just now. Reminds me of the summer after sophomore year in high school almost four years ago.  And I still find rain very beautiful.

I have to admit college is great. But it all feels really surreal because 2 months ago I never would have imagined exactly how it would be. Now I understand what everyone means when they say that high school really really sucks. High school was disgusting... I am repulsed with the mere memory. But college is very fun. I feel free and bouncy! But I'm still in shock for all the work I have yet to do.

Nevermind that, fall break is here!

WHEEE time to do a survey I found on Gloria's xanga.

Layer One: STATS

Name: Adeline
Birth date: April 16
Birthplace: Florida, in a hospital
Current location: At my house. I'm boring.
Eye color: The color of a soysauce
Hair color: The color of a rusty steal rod...that was painted black. 
Height: 5'0" and 1/6 
Righty or Lefty: Right handed
Innie or Outtie: Innie
Current mood: I feel very bored. Like I'm wasting my life away taking pointless surveys.
Current hair: In a tight bun because I have no joy in life. And a sparkly clip to add zest.
Current annoyance: My neck is having an allergic reaction to the cold.

Layer Two: DESCRIBE

Your heritage: Chinese (1/4 manchurian 3/4 Cantonese or something like that)
The shoes you wore today: Hm. Some plum colored shoes.
Your weakness: Desperately romantic anything. And bunnies. Anything cute and fluffy.
Your fears: That I will never get a job and be a poor bum on the street begging for coins.
Your perfect pizza: pineapples. Is that weird? OH yeah and I love that green stuff. Aregano? Is that it?
Goal you'd like to achieve: Find my perfect job and live happily ever after.

Layer Three: TELL

Your most overused phrase on AIM/AOL/ICQ: um. What a stupid question how should I know.
Your thoughts first waking up: I'M LATE! or Why don't I change my stupid alarm clock ring tone?
Your best physical feature: My ass. Just kidding. Who knows.
Your bedtime: Around 11-12.
Your greatest accomplishment: Not becoming insane. Getting into college perhaps.
Your most missed memory: My grandmother. Speaking Chinese with her and being in touch with my heritage.


Layer Four: YOU PREFER

Pepsi or Coke: How about niether? Carbonation really freaks me out.
McDonald's or Burger King: Well, they are both kind of gross. But I like Mcdonald's frosty things.
Single or Group Dates: I have no clue.
Adidas or Nike: I think Nike.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: :( Again I am clueless.
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate. Vanilla is bland and boring like my life. Hah
Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino is delicious!

Layer Five: DO YOU

Smoke: I think that's pretty gross.
Cuss: Well, I'd have to say no, but I do on occasion when I'm alone. It shocks me when I say them though.
Sing well: I'd like to think so. But probably not. Everyone is just to nice to tell me.
Take a shower everyday: Sure.
Have a crush(es): They are rare and usually the effect of my boredom.
Do you think you've been in love: Not yet. I'm starting to get impatient.
Want to go to college: I will be next year! WHEEE!
Like(d) high school: Well, it had its ups and downs.
Want to get married: For love. For love.
Believe in yourself: Of course. I am a real person.
Think you're attractive: No. I am an ogre.
Think you're a health freak: It depends on the day. Sometimes I'm crazy psycho sometimes I'm a glutton.
Get along with your parents: I love them! I really have a good relationship with them in my opinion.
Like thunderstorms: As long as I'm inside then I love!
Play an instrument: I play the piano rather badly.

Layer Six: PAST MONTH HAVE YOU

Drank alcohol: I've never, unless you count communion. Which ...no.
Smoked: NO!
Done a drug: NO!
Made out: :/ In my fantastical dreams. Just kidding. no.
Gone on a date: Nope.
Gone to the mall: Yes.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Haha. no.
Eaten sushi: NO:( WHY IS THIS SO?!?!?
Been on stage: Well I was on one technically but I did not perform.
Been dumped: No...see (gone on a date)
Gone skating: Alas, I have wanted to go since December. But no one will take me.
Made homemade COOKIEs: no, but i made some lovely cupcakes with faces. One looked like Hitler. I was too scared to eat it.
Gone skinny-dipping: Nope
Dyed your hair: Nope.
Stolen anything: No I have a hyperactive conscience. How would I ever manage that?

Layer Seven: HAVE YOU EVER

Played a game that required the removal of clothing: I don't understand the question.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No, I am an angel.
Been caught "doing something": Doing...my...homework? Yes.
Been called a tease: What does this MEAN?!?!?
Gotten beaten up: No. But almost...was quite terrifying really.
Shoplifted: No...(see "stolen anything above") this is a repeat question. How stupid.
Changed who you were to fit in: Yes. Doesn't everyone do that to some degree? I had to pretend to be a nice and forgiving person, when they were the scum of the earth.

Layer Eight: OPPOSITE SEX

Best eye color: How about...gold?
Best hair color: Pink and poopy green.
Short or long hair: I like the sexy tousled look. But hair can't be longer than mine. I have strict rules.
Best height: I think I can't go out with someone taller than 6'0 because I am short. It would be a difficult situation. But I think around 5'7 and 5'9...ish are okay? I am not sure.
Best weight: More than 130? Is that good I don't know. But less than....200? I'm guessing.
Best articles of clothing: No chains. I don't want a "gansta".
Best first date location: Romantic place with trees and glowing lanterns in those trees. And fireflies and the quite lull of crickets.
Best first kiss location: In a beautiful gazeboo strewn with lights and roses. I've thought about this.

Layer Nine: NUMBER OF

Guys I have kissed in my life: :/ How sad.
Guys I have made out with: Probably like 129,897. Yes I know. It's crazy.
Boyfriends I've had: Hahahaha. like 1 and 1/2
Drugs taken illegally: None. I do nothing illegally. Except drive without shoes on.
People I could trust with my life: 2 people.
Piercings: 2, one on each ear.
Tattoos: One in the middle of my forehead that says "Loser".
Times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Maybe one time. Or two. Or zero.
Scars on my body: I have one from my dog. I surprised him and picked him up one time.
Things in my past that I regret: 2 things.

Layer Ten: THE FUTURE

Age you hope to be married: 24 ish.
Numbers and names of children: Son , Edan and daughter Eveline or something like that.
Describe your dream wedding: Beautiful and romantic. Outside in the autumn when all the leaves are turning red and gold.
How do you want to die: I don't want to die? If I must then I'd want to be saving someone I love, or for a good cause.
Where do you want to go to college: I'm going to Chapel Hill this fall! Woohoo!
What country would you most like to visit: At the moment I want to go to China. But I always want to see Japan, and Egypt and Australia, and South America, and Europe and everywhere...!

I was in a bad mood earlier. But now that I have torn up my room and reorganized it to perfection I feel infinately better. It's interesting what people do to make themselves feel better. Most people I know scream, make a mess, eat food, scream, go running, scream, or something like that. But I am one of those weirdos that starts organizing their closet and vaccuuming. Haha. Um. I have nothing else to say about my life. Except it is very good and I am feeling very nostalgic right now. And just thinking about when I first started high school.  I was so young and innocent back then. And well, I still am. But I feel a bit wiser and stuff. That's always good right?